At the hospital the nurses told me a few things about being a mom. 'The first rule of being a mom,' they said 'is make sure the baby can breathe. After that you'll just figure it out as you go .'
There have been a few times when I have had to go back to rule #1 and all of them terrified me beyond all measure. Never have I felt so scared, so protective, so frantic, helpless, and yet focused and determined at the same time.
The first time was the first night in the hospital. We had just moved rooms to a recovery room. We were settling down, getting situated and waiting for my mom to arrive when out of the blue E spit up. Not your normal baby spit up, but major retching, gagging, horrible noises spit up. She then started choking on said spit up. I grabbed the nasal aspirator and tried to use it meanwhile E was turning a horrible shade of purple I never want to see again. I jabbed frantically at the call button, Ken ran for the nurses station. A nurse came in, whacked E on the back, suctioned hey nose and mouth and E started breathing, well, crying. Crisis averted, everyone reassured the terrified new mom that I had done everything right, my mom arrived and I broke down and sobbed out of fear.
The second time was really a false alarm, but no less scary. E was in her second or third week of life and was having a rough time sleeping. We ended up sleeping on the couch together, her on my chest, me on my back on the couch. I awoke startled and did what I still do about 20 times a day, I checked to make sure she was breathing. She wasn't. My heart raced, I started to panic trying desperately to remember infant CPR. Terrified I called her name. Nothing. It felt like an eternity was passing by, an eternity where my baby wasn't breathing... and then she started hyperventilating. Apparently this is a normal newborn breathing pattern. In truth the pause was probably less than 5 seconds, but it felt like eternity to my sleep deprived, over protective brain.
Tonight was the third time. E was sleeping, so we're Ken and I. Suddenly she started screaming. It was not any cry she'd uttered in her 7 weeks of life, it was far more distressed, far more loud and far more gut wrenching than anything we had heard previously. I scooped her up, immediately identifying that the cause of distress was her breathing. It was heavily labored, mucusy, gaspy, and terrifying. I ran for the living room where we keep the aspirator, Ken close on my heels. Nasal aspirator in hand I sucked snot for all I was worth. The screaming continued. more suction, more screaming, real tears flowing out of my baby's eyes. Terrified parents. More desperate suctioning. Eventually the horrible, wet, gaspy noises subside back into mostly normal breathing. Checked for fever, none. Checked again just to be sure, still none. Fretted, debated the emergency room, called the after hour nurse line. Was told not to go in if she was breathing fine and had no fever. Was told to suction frequently.
Now she is breathing just fine, sleeping in my arms. We have a doctor's appointment in a few hours, and it is Ken's turn to sleep while I hold the baby, we will switch off in a bit.
Oh rule 1, you are so scary and so important.
E just started crying, normal, 'I am hungry, pooping, and just waking up'cries. How sweet those cries are. I am off to feed, snuggle her and probably cry a bit.
update:
back from the doctors, she may have a cold but otherwise got a clean bill of health. The perscription - nasal aspirator, possibly saline drops if necessary, lots of suctioning and a nap for mom.
We are keeping her upright to sleep and suctioning her when we hear gurgles. She barely even stirs now when we aspirate her.
A little bit ago she woke and wanted to nurse. After nursing she was sitting her her bouncy seat and gurgled a little, I suctioned her and she looked at me, fussed a little bit and then gave me one of her precious smiles. She smiling for real recently so getting a smile and knowing it is not gas is heart-melting. She's such a good baby, a little snotty currently but still so sweet.
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