Sick but still impressive!

So E's been battling some illness.  We think it was all brought on by the latest round of teething,  She's working on breaking in her left side upper and lower first molars.  The right ones are already in.  When she teethes, she becomes a drooly, snotty mess. (I think all babies do).

Well the snot piled up, her Eustachian tubes swelled up and she bought herself a double ear infection.
We were in the doctors office waiting for a while because they were a little behind schedule.  So E and I spent lots of time (you know 15-20 minutes) exploring the room.  Looking at the books in the kids drawer, looking a the mirror on the wall, looking at the posters of the babies and the painting of the cat in the flowers. Eventually the doc came in and I told her about how E spent the day stuffing her fingers, cooked carrots, torn paper, pretty much anything that would fit in her ears and the night poking mommy and daddy in their ears as if to say "Hey! this part of me hurts but I don't know how to tell you so I'm going to try to make you feel my pain!" (she does this with her teeth too)  That coupled with the fact that she'd been falling down more frequently than usual, which is saying something, was enough to make me take E in, despite not having a fever.  The doc checked her out, gave us the diagnosis, a prescription, and a see you in 10 (11) days for a check up!

X-ray holder or torture device?
yes.
Side note..this is not E.

Fast forward 11 days, E is no longer trying to stuff everything on earth in her ears but she has a horrible runny nose, a temperature and a cough.  In a different exam room this time, and they aren't running as behind so we aren't in there long.  But while we are in there E keeps pointing at an immunization poster and signing cat.  I'm confused but she's really tired from spending the night hacking and not sleeping and I'm really tired from spending the night making sure she's breathing and not sleeping.  Turns out she's got some slight crackling in her lungs and its time to go for a chest x-ray.  I hope that if you have children you never have to have your infant get a chest X-ray.  It's horrifying.  Pictured here is the device they cram your kid into to keep them still and their arms out of the way.  Oh how E hated this.  Hated. It.  Screaming. Snot. Sobbing. Hate.

puffy faced but still
impressing mommy!

She came out of it screaming mad, scared and covered in snot.  But managed to sign "thank you" to the x-ray tech when prompted and then we headed back into the exam room and as we walked in she pointed at the immunization chart on the wall and signed cat (While still crying, which is very cute and very sad) and I looked at the wall and that's when it hit me.  She was asking where the cat went.  The cat. From the painting. From her last visit to the doctors office.

Knock me over with a feather.  She remembered the art that was on the wall 11 days ago!  My overtired brain decided on the spot that "My child is a genius!"...."or she just really likes cats and we spent a long time looking at that painting".  It doesn't matter it made me smile and remember what a wondrous little girl I'm mommy to.

But I really hope she forgets about the X-ray holder.  that's not a memory  I want her to hold onto. Oh and she has bronchitis from all the snot.   Woo, more antibiotics.  Hopefully she'll be back to her bright chipper less goopy, amazing self soon!

Daycare Blues

E has been in day care for almost a year now.  There are many many things I love about her daycare.  They are good at communicating, she has friends there, they have a nice play structure, they do occasional art projects (wish they did more) but there has been a disturbing trend going on at her daycare....the teachers are leaving.

A few months ago the director left, we don't know why just one day I went in and saw him when I dropped E off and when Ken picked her up there was a notice saying the director was gone.  It was hard because we'd developed a relationship with him and we trusted him with our baby.  For him to be gone so suddenly we figured it must have been something big (drugs, money, sex or abuse) so now not only was the person we trusted gone, but we had reason to doubt our trust in him.  Had we misjudged his character?  Did we trust our baby to someone who lost his job for abusing a child?  No explanation was ever given.

A new director came in, she's nice but we just don't have the same relationship with her as we did the previous director and ever since she came in the teachers have been leaving.  First the lead teacher in the infant room Ms. D left because she was offered a better position elsewhere.  Then the chef, no explanation given.  Then Ms. Tee the support teacher from the toddler room who E adored.

And now a one two punch to the gut.  The two ladies who were E's very first teachers.  Ms. T and Mrs. B.  I trust E with these ladies like I trust pretty much no one else outside of my family.  They are the ones who sneak into her classroom and give her kisses, or take her out of her room when she's throwing a fit and nothing will make it stop.  She sees them when she goes to school and gets super happy.  She reaches for them from my arms.  I think it's fair to say E loves them based on observation evidence.

Mrs. B left on the 7th and Ms. T leaves on the 14th.  Within the span of 2 weeks E (and my main) support system and are leaving.  One to go continue her education and to take some down time before she starts back into school.  And the other to lead a program at another school, one that is very close to Ken's new office, though he may be moving and it's about a 45 minute drive in the wrong direction for me to drop E off.  But I love this teacher enough that I am considering it.  I'm happy for them that they are getting the opportunities but I also wonder, what is our daycare doing (or not doing) that's making all the good teachers leave?

I didn't cry when I dropped E off a daycare the first day.  I was sad, but I didn't cry.

I cried today.

I came in and Mrs. B wasn't at the front desk to greet us.  Ms. T was and E was so happy to see her.  I took E into the infant classroom because her teacher for the wobbler classroom was out and E started crying.  Her buddies H and V were there and were running around playing and I kept asking her if she wanted to go play and she kept shaking her head "no" and crying, and crying, and crying.  After putting her supplies up and filling out her sheet I left her with Ms. P and Ms. R the infant room teachers and she started wailing....and there wasn't anyone to go get her, to give her snuggles and make her feel comfortable.  I kept expecting to see Mrs. B come out of another classroom, or Ms. T to go in and get her (she was in a different classroom at this point)  but no one came...and after this week, no one will ever come.  Those ladies made me feel like my baby was special to them, maybe she is, or maybe they are just really, really good teachers (because that's what really good teachers do, they make all their kids feel special).  I want someone to look out for my baby, to make her feel special, and those people are leaving.  This is my new reality.

So I sat outside her classroom and cried.

Singing and empathy

I need a video.  I promise a video but every time it happens I just get caught up in the cuteness and forget to record.  but I promise, I will post a video....

...of what?  Of E "singing".  E has always loved music and has been doing what I think is singing for a while, where her babbling takes on a slightly rhythmic or tonal quality that could possibly be a song to a mother's ears...which song is as good your guess as mine but it could be a song.

But now it's real and its cute...and it's..."row, row, row your boat"  the version I learned from my friend Anne's blog about her son.  The lyrics are different from the regular song they are:

row, row row your boat

gently down the stream

if you see a crocodile

don't forget to scream

(and then you scream)

E loves it and thinks it's hilarious.  Daddy and I do hand motions to go along with the song and she's even started doing them.  She gets out the first "oh" of row and then look expectantly at us.  Once we start singing she'll sometimes sing along in her little squeaky baby voice.  And at the end of the song she'll give some sort of screaming noise.

At dinner she will insistently grab at our hands and if she manages to get them she will give her little grin and start off with her "oh, oh" while making rowing motions with her hands.  Over and over and over.  We've had to put a moratorium on "row, row" until dinner is finished but almost as soon as she's done she's asking for our fingers to row with. It is very cute.

She is also staring to show some empathy towards others, specifically her friends at daycare and her dollies.  At daycare one of her friends fell down and was crying and she went over and gave her a hug and some pats.  With her dollies i will make baby crying noises and she will find her doll, pick it up to her shoulder and pat it on the back or give it a hug.  We play a game with some toys where she "feeds" the dolls.  I wasn't sure if she was understanding the pretend aspect of the game until she shared her cracker with the doll and made "om, nom, nom" noises.  (got that one on video!)

I love that she's becoming aware of others and that she's showing empathy to them.  When Daddy or I ask for a hug many times E will say "no" (non-verbally) but if we "cry" after being told no she will come over and give the hug.  Or if we are laying on the ground and saying that we need a hug to feel better she will often come up and lay her head on our chests and splay her arms around us as best she can.  It's heart meltingly cute.

Cup training

Transparency in that raising my little ELM isn't always rainbows and lollipops...

...or the first time strong willed child meets short tempered mommy.

I don't know what it is about this that is making me so short tempered.  Normally I have a slow burning fuse and it takes a lot to get me riled up.  I teach middle school children for heaven's sake! But something about the way she screams, pours out her milk, spits out her milk and refuses the cup just sets my temper off like TNT.

According to one of the 80 billion websites I've been reading about cup training and mommy anger/stress one of the reasons for the anger could be guilt.

am I guilty about taking away her bottle?  Yes, I think I am.  I feel like I am depriving her of nutrients she needs, before we started cup training she had bottles at 5am (6oz), 10am(6oz), 2pm (8oz), 5pm(8oz) and 8pm(10oz)  which I know is a lot of milk, but that's on top of eating everything in site.  So yes, I am guilty.  I worry that I am starving my child, that she won't get the calcium and protein she needs.  currently we are giving her the cup for her 10 am and 2pm bottles, and it usually results in a scream fest that lasts until lunch for the 10am bottle and until nap time for the 2.

I am so thankful that she'll be going to daycare for the 2pm bottle.  it's terrible, I feel guilty about that too.  I know her daycare teacher doesn't want to deal with Screamy-McScreamerson while shes trying to entertain/feed/watch/tend 3 other one year olds.  But it's such a relief to know that I'll only have to deal with it once a day.  It's kind of shameful but totally understandable.

To be clear, she has been drinking from a cup since she was about 6 months old, she has no problem whatsoever drinking water out of her cup.  I used to be so proud that my baby knew how to drink from a cup, I really should have started the transition from the bottle so much earlier.  I think this contributes to my anger as well.  She drinks water from a cup just fine, she drinks milk from a bottle just fine, but milk in a cup, even if I snuggle her like I do when she's drinking her bottle I just end up covered in milk and fuming mad.

another 80 billion websites, that I read about 30 times a day to soothe my guilt/anger/whatever says that kids don't NEED milk.  that as long as they are getting their calcium from things like yogurt and cheese and such; and they are drinking lots of water it's okay.  And she eats yogurt for breakfast and devours cheese sticks, broccoli, spinach etc.  She also takes a multivitamin like a champ.

and yet....I'm still guilty/angry/whatever every time she shakes her head violently when I offer her a cup, or takes a drink and then lets it all dribble out her mouth, or screams when I snuggle her with a cup instead of a bottle.

The other day I just gave up and let her wander around while her cup sat on the end table.  I went into the kitchen to get her bottles ready for daycare and heard her pick up the cup and take a drink, she walked into the kitchen with a milk mustache and I went nuts praising her, hoping she'd do it again.  She didn't but I considered it a victory.

The next day I decided to just let her try wandering and left the cup out for her.  It's a spoutless sippy cup that only lets milk out when you press the lid in.  it's supposed to work because the kid presses in with her lip when she puts the cup up to drink.  My little engineer has figured out how to invert the cup with one hand and pour out the milk with the other....and that's what she decided to do since I left her to her own devices with the cup.

angry mommy.  so much for the victory.

This is frustrating and heartbreaking.  Not because she won't drink from the cup...she'll outgrow it, or she'll get her nutrients from somewhere else....but because it's a big challenge to my mommy skills and I feel like I'm failing miserably.  I don't like being angry with her.  I don't like feeling out of control.

And then I remember my first year of teaching. Looking back I'm a bit ashamed of me as a first year.  I tried so hard, worked so much and loved those students so much and yet I yelled, I got mad, I lost my temper, I had a short fuse.  Teacher training likes to talk about building your "tool kit" of things to try.  Different strategies to get your students to do what you want them to do.  And as I taught more, I learned what "tools" worked and what didn't and I changed the contents of my "tool kit".  And I got better, and better and better.  And I loved my job so much more.

Being a mom is a lot like being a first time teacher.  You have to constantly learn and adjust.  You have to learn what works and what doesn't and you have to make changes.  I am  first year teacher of a one year old...I will be a first year teacher of a two year old sooner than I like to think about it, and a 5, 12, 16 year old (yikes!).  I'm a first year teacher of weaning, I'll be a first year teacher of potty training sooner than I like to think about it.  I have a lot of learning to do.  I haven't figured out what works yet, still working on it...but I know that getting angry doesn't work.  So I'm going to make an effort to remove that "tool" from my "tool kit" and to expand my "tool kit" just like I did as a teacher.  And while I may never love the tough times like weaning, potty training and teenager-dom, I hope all my "tools" will make it more bearable for both E and me.

The sleeping baby trap

E is starting to out grow her newborn comatose-ness.  It's very fun to have a few hours each day to play.  We do tummy time, play in her activity gym, explore the spice cabinet, play with stuffed toys and in general I try to give her as much stimulation as I can. 

A zonked baby is a beautiful thing!  
Especially when it takes 7 tries to get her there!

However E has gotten to a phase where she only likes to sleep when being held.  I'm pretty sure this is normal, at least the 1845+ websites I've referenced and cross-referenced say it is.  She's a devious little trickster about it though.  She will completely zonk out in our arms.  Arm-flopping, head lolling, quiet baby snoring (so cute!) zonk out and will remain zonked as we move and even when put into her crib or changing pad.  Then anywhere between 1-5 minutes later it's wide eyed sad baby crying.  "How DARE you leave me in this crib all alone! Where did you go?!?!"  And we repeat sometimes in excess of 10 times. 

Yesterday on a walk E was happily zonked in her stroller only to awak and become inconsolable about halfway through the walk.  Red-faced, angry screaming.  Now granted she was hungry, but there was no convient place to feed her as we were walking the nature trails. But the only way she would desist on screaming bloody murder is if she was being held cradle style in Ken or my arms.  Talk about a shoulder burner!  Personal trainers should have their clients cradle a 10lb weight and walk around!  Eventually we found a parkbench and I akwardly nursed her while leaning against the stroller, hiding under her fleecy blanket in the 70+ weather. We both emerged sweaty but much more content and were able to finish the walk without screaming.


E sleeping on her Ojiisan....and maybe Ojiisan sleeping too!

At home when E starts in on the fussypants cycle if it's night time we insist she sleep in the crib because Ken and I are both big people and sound sleepers and it would not be good to co-sleep.  So at bedtime we persist and eventually E will sleep zonked out in the crib.  During the day sometimes we persist and she'll sleep in the crib or (usually) on her changing pad in the living room, other times we give in and let her sleep on us...because I highly doubt there will come a time when I think to myself...'gosh I wish I'd held my baby less when she was an infant.'   Sometimes we even nap with her, it's a light sleep, but it's slightly more restful than staring at her bleary eyed.

Now I know proper sleep patterns need to be established and Ken and I are on-board for Ferbering her but not until she's 6 months because the 1834+ websites that I've referenced and cross-referenced say you can't spoil a baby in the first 6 months, you can't hold them too much or snuggle them too much or talk to them too much or any of that.  So....somtimes E we'll let you get away with sleeping on mom and dad...because in secret though our shoulders may hurt or our hands may fall asleep and we can't stop thinking about all the other things we need to be doing...we really, really, really love just holding you even if it's just to watch you sleep.

Week 6...

Daddy's first trip away
Ken is away from E at night for the first time.  It's hard with him away, I miss him a lot and E seems a bit more fussy than normal so I'm going to say she misses him too.  We've been Skyping and she stares at the screen intently from time to time.  I like to think that she's staring at daddy, of course we'll never know if she actually recognizes him but I will say she does.  We are looking forward for him to get home in two days.

We miss you Daddy! come home soon!

 

Thumbsucker inbound
I sucked my fingers as a child for a long time.  Thankfully it didn't affect my teeth and I never needed braces or a retainer....E is working very, very hard at being a finger or thumb sucker.  I'm going to have to deal with the trauma of breaking that habit just like my mom had to do for me.  Part of me wonders if it would be better to give a paci than let her thumbsuck...I may offier her a paci at 6 weeks, we will see.
Yesterday E got her thumb sucessfully into her mouth for the first time!  Her hand was completely open with her thumb in her mouth.  she frantically started sucking on it and was very happy for the few moments she sucessfully sucked her thumb and then she flailed her arms in her baby way and pulled her thumb out of her mouth.  Unfortunately I didn't have the camera with me at the time so there is no photo proof...yet.

 

but she's really trying....

The nose knows
I've been playing with E in the spice cabinet occasionally.  I'll hold up food under her nose and watch her face for a reaction.  So far her reactions are:
chocolate - eyes wide, big stare
cinnamon - eyes wide, mouth pursed
ginger - eyes wide, smacking lips, trying to smile
watermellon - calm (like stops her from fussing somtimes) and eyes wide
mint extract - yoda face! crying and incessant drooling

Part of me wants to try the mint again to see if she reacts the same but her reaction was so strong it seems little mean.

Tummy time!
E is rocking out the tummy time.  She's getting her head up really high and holding it well.  She tracks and turns her head for her little black and white panda rattle.  She loves her piano toy that the Snows sent us.  She will stare at it and move her hands around.  Earlier this week she frogged her legs so much that she tipped over the front of the boppy and landed with her head on the piano...then proceeded to "play" the piano with her head.

First month milestones

We brougt E home on 12/17. 

to be continued...