Learning to step back

E has entered into her "mommy only" phase.  I know it frustrates and makes Ken sad. She cries when she wants mommy, which is a lot at night.  So she cries a lot at night. It kills me. I hate hearing her cry.  Usually I will go in and take over after a few minutes. A few nights ago was the first time she flat out screamed at bed time with Ken. I went in and took her and she stopped crying as soon as I took her. This made Ken feel pretty bad. So I researched on my billion and one baby web sites. All of them said this is a normal stage. Some offered advice, wear Daddy's shirt while nursing have daddy cuddle close when nursing, let Daddy give baby a bottle more often, and the killer: mom needs to back off and let daddy figure things out. Let him find the soothing techniques that work, let baby know daddy is there to comfort and sooth her.

So after the initial night mommy had been putting daddy's shirt on the nursing pillow. Daddy couldn't cuddle  Or give bottles because daddy had the stomach flu. Note daddy is better and it is time for mommy to try backing off.

Tonight daddy did bedtime routine with E. She has been crying nearly the whole time. She cried when he gave her a bottle. So mommy left the room. She still cried, but not as much. She cried all the way into the bath, though she was happy as a clam in the bath. She cried the moment the bath was over. She cried while getting into pj's. She cried through lullabies, and is still crying, though starting to ebb off and make sleepy noises.

I didn't go in. I didn't help. I sat and ate a cupcake and wanted to cry. And now I am blogging about it. Anything to make myself feel better. This is hard. I know it's hard on Ken too.

It's not just that I want her to stop crying, it is also that I want to spend time with her. I get a sleepy half hour to an hour with her in the mornings. When either I get home late or Ken brings the baby home late we only have an hour with her in the evenings. And I want her for so much more time than that. Since Ken did it all tonight I only got about 3 minutes of baby time. Not nearly enough after being away from her for 12 hours.  I feel bad that Ken had been in this position for a long time.

In one week I will step back in a different fashion. I will no longer be a full time teacher. Part of me is overjoyed because it means I will have so much more than an hour to two hours with E. The other part is mourning the lots of my class. I will still teach, 5 hours a day, 4 days a week, but it won't be the same. It is letting go.

One of my school's quotes is, "you must be willing to sacrifice who you are today for who you want to become."

 So my sacrifice starts with being able to step back, being willing to let others do what I do, all this so that I can spend more time with my husband and daughter (who is finally sleeping) When I think about it that way it doesn't seem like add much of a sacrifice.