Invisible firsts - a working mother's lament

E rolled over for the first time today!  This brings me great joy, terrible sadness and a little guilt. 

She's great at tummy time!

Chief among these feelings is the joy.  My baby girl is developing, growing and doing the things normally developing babies do!  She is on track to being developmentally on target. All the fun playing and exercises we've been doing with her have finally paid off! We can advance to exercising the next recommended set of activities with her to prep her for sitting.  She'll be crawling soon, then walking.  So many fun things we can do once she is mobile!  She has reached another huge milestone.  (Ken and I are near-constantly babbling mama and dada at her respectively of course hoping for her next milestone)

I'll probably save this for her scrapbook

But there is a terrible sadness to this joy because I didn't witness the moment.  It wasn't even that I walked in to her flipped over on her playmat and concluded she'd rolled.  I was told.  I love my daycare.  love love love them.  They are kind, caring, they don't put the kids in swings or bouncers.  They make sure they are getting lots of floor and tummy time.  They even had my 3 month old finger painting (and the made sure she didn't eat it...)  Almost every day they give you a little snippet sentence of something your child did that day.  And that snippet sentence is how I found out she'd reached her milestone.  To me, it's an invisible first.  It's there, she did it but since I didn't see it, it's not really her first.  It won't count as her first until I see it. 

And then there's the guilt.  It's very small but it's there.  I feel guilty because I feel like I should have been there to see it.  There are no pictures of her post roll as I imagine there would have been if she'd rolled at home in the presence of her father or me.  I should have been the one who applauded and cheered her on but I wasn't.  I should have been there to celebrate this first.  But I wasn't.  She had her first but no one around her was family.  And that makes me feel guilty. 

E at day care.  they may not be family
but that doesn't mean she's not loved.

But then I remind myself that where there is a first, there will be a second, and a third and we will celebrate those with her.  The first time she rolls over for me her invisible first will become a tangible one, and oh how we will cheer.  And hopefully the cheering will chase away the terrible sadness of an invisible first and the nagging guilt of the working mother's conscience. Because in the end it's all about love.  E may not be with family for all her firsts but she will always be surrounded by people who love her and care for her and that's what's important.