Mommy Milestones: The hardest easy decision

On July 4th I noticed something wrong with my vision.  I had a spot in my vision that looked like a fish eye lens or a drop of water.  I didn't know that that spot would end up forcing me to make the hardest easy decision of my motherhood thus far.

My regular eye doctor diagnosed it as Central Serous Rentinopathy, a benign condition in which a hole forms in your retina and fluid leaks through under it, messing up your vision much in the way mine was.  The original prognosis was that it would clear up on it's own within a few months. She wanted me to see a specialist just to be sure.

The specialist brought a totally different diagnosis.  Wet Macular Degeneration.  The leading cause of significant vision loss in older adults.  Normally it's not seen in people under 50.  They have to treat it aggressively with Anti-angiogenesis drugs.  These drugs stop the formation of new blood vessels.  Yeah, that kind of medication is not compatible with breastfeeding, because the last thing you want to put in your babies mouth is milk that will prevent their blood vessels from growing.  But the alternative to not taking the medication was to let my vision continue to degrade and potentially lead to blindness.

So the decision was easy.  I had to choose my vision.  Wet macular degeneration can lead to significant loss of quality of life.  So vision won over being able to breastfeed.  It was an easy decision and it is the hardest thing I've had to do as a mother so far.

Without knowing it I breastfed my baby for the last time on the day she turned 7 months old.  My original goal was to feed her until we were both ready to wean, but that plan has now changed.  This is the most selfish and hardest decision I've made since becoming a mother.  I wish I had known, I would have savored the closeness, the content sigh she lets out, the bonding and cuddling that comes along with it.  I miss it already, it's only been 2 days and it is hard. 

It's hard on me and my body.  Cold turkey is not a smart way to stop breastfeeding.  It can lead to a lot of health complications and it's just plain not comfortable.  So I am taking measures to wean gradually even without her being able to nurse.  It kills me, absolutely kills me to have to throw milk down the sink because I know that milk has so much good stuff in it that my baby needs to grow strong.  But it also contains something that could potentially kill her.  But it makes me sad every time I have to do it.

It's hard on E.  Since she was 30 minutes old nursing has been her comfort. When she's scared, hurt, tired, or sick she wants that comfort.  She has cried a lot more at night the last two nights.  It breaks my heart to not be able to give her the comfort she is seeking.  We are finding other ways to comfort.  Lots of rocking and lots of singing.  Snuggling without letting her access nursing seems to be okay, though she gets fed up and throws her arms back and cries.  It kills me. It frustrates her. 

She had her first bottle of formula today.  I have a pretty decent supply of pumped milk frozen so she's getting that for most of her bottles for now.  But I know it will run out.  I'm debating if it is better to just give it to her for all her bottles until it's gone or if I should give her 1-2 bottles of pumped milk and 6-7 bottles of formula to prolong the time she gets the immune boost from breastmilk.  Either way the milk will run out.

It's only milk. I'm lucky to have my healthy, happy little girl.  I'm lucky the doctor was able to catch the problem fairly early, so hopefully my vision will be saved.  I'm lucky to be able to afford formula to feed her in place of my milk.  But it is still hard, it still makes me sad but there is no use crying over spilt milk, right?